What do I get out of all of this. . .?
All of your wonderful, positive feedback is not meangingless, of course -- quite the contrary! It inspires me like nothing else during the work's more difficult stretches. I feel deeply touched every time I receive a new e-mail or comment from someone who enjoyed something that I've created. (Now would be a good time to say thanks to all of you who've ever sent me compliemntary e-mails! Thank you everyone!!) Connection, praise, feedback, wealth, recognition, fame -- I've been blessed with 4 of those 5 to at least some small, modest degree through my creative output, and call me Hollywood, but they all feel great.
The elusive 5th? Wealth. I enjoy my day job immensely. But still. It would be nice to make a comfortable living through my creative endeavors.
There, I've said it.
My trips to the ATM are sometimes like hitting a slot machine; I push the buttons, but I never know if any money's going to come out. At those moments, I do wonder when James Cameron will show up, bearing huge canvas sacks labeled "$" for the Spherical Tomi movie options.
But even without James Cameron, I'd gladly go on 'til the end of my days improving my craft, writing my stories, and hopefully continuing to receive such nice, complimentary e-mails about them.
I don't think I need to defend my creative integrity, but I suppose I just did anyway. Did this whole rant make any sense at all?
Read the comments to this one ...
As I explained to JR after he pointed out my inability to count:
"This entire post was the result of a night of very little sleep... Attach spigot to over-tired, cranky brain and let it flow..... And of course, as you noted, I probably should have given it another read before posting :) First rule of writing: don't go forth with your first draft!"
I should edit it and revise the post, but f**k it. I'll just leave it here in all of its raw id glory.